I am 35, and in my checkered history with the opposite sex, I have found one thing. If he treated his ex girlfriend that way, he will do it to you. There has never been an exception to this rule.

You must be quite excited about the way your future is opening up. After two hundred years of being treated as the arse end of nowhere,  us Pom’s using your soap operas to define you, looking down on you, pretending you are nothing but the product of our criminal class, you are now a spot of geo political significance.

As the balance of world power changes, your time zone, your proximity to Asia, your english speaking population, and the vast resources you have, mean you are coming of age and facing changes as great as the Industrial revolution. You starting a long period in the ascendancy. Your real estate is now prime, and you are about to enjoy many of the privileges we in Blighty have always taken for granted but are losing.

As a country being tipped into decline, I have noticed some things and I wanted to share with you. As I would always want to warn a woman with a boyfriend who had treated me badly, and left me holding the baby.

We in England, have  had a relationship we have been brought up to treat as special. With the United States. Many of us have known for a long time, like those in Washington who treat us as a cross between a joke and a lapdog, that really our big bad US boyfriend doesn’t think much of us. Recently, this relationship was declared dead after our Parliament refused to go on another ill advised adventure, and a solemn notice was put in a paper owned by one of your proudest exports, Mr.Murdoch. As a country we are adjusting and breathing a sigh of relief. The special relationship, much like the relationship with Murdoch that undermined our democracy and told us how great our boyfriend was, appears to be something we can move on from.

This relationship led us to do some bad things. A letter held by the Chilcot Enquiry, shows that we went into very ill advised wars, often on the basis of no more than following our big bad boyfriend’s lead. We are still the only available scapegoats for these endeavours.

We have just imposed austerity which is usually saved for asset stripping nations we wish to exploit, on ourselves, on an entirely voluntary basis, and we have tanked our economy to do so. We did this to pay for a crisis which originated on Wall Street, who managed to fuse their financial centre with ours, and bin our long earned banking reputation with it. The reputation of our banking industry has gone and our financial centre is now famous for being the place cowboys go to trade risky, while we still absorb the turds Wall Street do not want. Our economy still has not finished tanking and we are not prepared for the crisis that will result from the fusion of our financial centre with Wall Street. We don’t have a diplomatic reputation like we used to, but our ex Prime Ministers do a great line lucrative corporate diplomacy that was entirely about this relationship.

Barack Obama, in the last few years, has been telling you you are as special, as  presidents before him told us we were. I watched as he tried to send our newly elected Prime Minister the very clear message that US priorities had changed, but we were too blind to see what he meant,  still felt we needed his approving gaze.

I see you have just elected someone who was campaigning under the banner of ‘compassionate conservatism’. I don’t know if you are aware but this platform is a very particular brand of Conservatism. Nothing to do with conserving anything. It was originally used by George Bush and indeed it is the moniker for his particular brand of radical economic, social and foreign policy transformation, our PM copied Obama’s shirt sleeves to sell it. It’s about reshaping your economy, to suit the interests of your big bad boyfriend. The austerity that tanked our economy, was a key part of the British version.

I wanted to alert you that when your new Compassionate Conservative Prime Minister, is talking about imposing voluntary austerity, that he is talking about shaping your economic future so it benefits your new big bad boyfriend. Shaping your economy and society in the image of your new beau. I wanted you to know that when you go into ill advised endeavours with your big bad boyfriend, he will always ensure that it is you who takes responsibility for them, and long after he has run off to court another, you will be the one left holding the baby.

I wanted you to look at how the UN now view us, with their inspectors disdainful of how we treat our vulnerable, world leaders barely containing their titters when we appear on the world stage, with people alienated from our democratic system, and with the spectres of our past misdemeanours, largely carried out to please this boyfriend, looming large. I wanted to allow you to learn from the benefit of our experience. We have deliberately alienated our friends and neighbours and treated lots of people badly, and those in charge still pine for the days when we wallowed in his praise.

I wanted to give you fair warning, and to tell you that the whole world can see you have a bright future. People are flooding to you for that reason. Your geo political significance is yours, and your sovereignty as a nation is part of it. Protect it at all costs, because it is worthless to the big bad boyfriend who can only see that you are a handy bridge to the new financial powers of the world and will want you to sacrifice everything you have to that relationship. You really don’t want to end up carrying the can for your new boyfriend’s behaviour, and jeapordising all that ensures your future is bright.