I saw your husband’s announcement of his narcissism in the Daily Mail today and wanted to congratulate you and your divorce lawyers on this boon. As someone who knows a thing or two about this sort of thing, I felt compelled to write about the best ways I have found to deal with narcissists.

I notice your ex, Mr.Playful, regularly attributed his own motivations to you, projected his behaviour on to you. This is common in narcissists, and the most liberating thing you can imagine. They can’t see you, they can only see themselves as reflected onto you and once the idealisation of you as a possession has been interrupted by your insistence on being the fully formed human being they cannot be, they project their dysfunction on to you so they can attack.

They are attacking themselves. Let them. Let them do it loudly. Let them tell everyone they are doing so, and just wait. Live your life, be the person with a functioning inner self who can see those around them, and be everything they cannot be. Treat every word they utter as an admission, and know you can use that as a reliable compass.

Be grateful for every last ‘friend’ they recruit in their campaign and be glad you found out they were not your friend.

Decide what you want from your divorce. Your narcissist will want you to engage in a conflict he defines, to keep you in his control. Never engage a narcissist in the conflict they define. Be reasonable, but keep focused on the fact that you do not want their validation or agreement they have behaved this way to you and are not interested in them. Their lies and fantasies will get more outrageous the further you slip from their control and then YOU are in control. You do not want to be part of their theatre and self image. Stay focused on the behaviour if you have to, if you can walk away without even doing that, do so.

Here is the fun thing divorcing a narcissist, they are completely controlled by their behaviour pattern, they cannot deviate and when you don’t participate it is like watching a goldfish try to survive on the pavement. Be reasonable, be reasonable and be more reasonable but do not relent, do not retreat. Ask for what you want at the beginning then do not move. Let them move. Let them make noise, let them show you up and shout loud, and stay quiet. Be confident their behaviour will do the work for you. And when they have provoked you, attacked you and done everything they can, calmly remind them that you will not walk away from this process without what you have asked for. Which is largely you.

Do not grace your narcissist with the benevolence of your gaze, do not acknowledge them, do not look at them, make sure they know you cannot see yourself reflected in their dysfunction. Get a solicitor who understands narcissism(and most divorce lawyers do), and let them do your solicitors work.

I enjoyed reading your husband describe his narcissism in the Daily Mail, it was very undignified. Your lawyers must be ecstatic.

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